I am a gifted writer. My “potential” has been recognized by a teacher I respect. Now for the self-discipline of developing my “talent”.

(I am only telling you guys because I complain about sucking at everything)

I’ve been feeling like a lonely middle age woman lately. I think I may just read 50 Shades of Grey and tell all my friends about it.

I do realize “society” has unclear standards, but society is made up of people from all different walks of life. People speak as if society is one person, not several completely different groups of people. I am not sure why, but it kind of bothers me.  

I am an atheist, but I frequently use “Oh (my) God”, “Jesus Christ”, and some times “Holy Mary, Mother of God”. I do that because I don’t believe in God, using his name in vain expresses disbelief. 

DISCLAIMER: I definitely think Joseph Kony needs to be arrested and get the punishment he deserves. I just don’t really like the Kony 2012 campaign by IC.

Every social networking site is over flowing with the phrase “Kony 2012”, but it kind of upsets me that everyone is so focused on this cause. Lets be real here, Joseph Kony was pushed into hiding years ago. He is not currently kidnapping children, or making young girls into sex slaves. What is he up to now a days? Most likely in some secluded area, starving, and worried for his life. He is in no way at large. But would you like to know who is?

A woman named Helen Ukpabio. She is stirring up the already hectic witch hysteria in Nigeria. Ukpabio has written books teaching parents how to denounce their child as a witch or wizard. Here is a great exert from her published Unveiling The Mysteries of Witchcraft:

“If a child under the age of two screams in the night, cries and is always feverish with deteriorating health he or she is a servant of Satan”.

This is laughable to us, but present these ideas to an impoverished and uneducated population and the consequences are massive. Helen Ukpabio’s ideas have pushed thousands of parents to abandon their children, leaving them to starve in the streets because they are accused of being servants of Satan. Some children get tortured, or flat out murdered. I don’t see this spammed over my Facebook or dashboard. 

Not only is she encouraging harm towards children, but she is actually making quite a lot of money from it. When confronted about this she reverts to claiming her critics are racist against her African American descant.

The thing about this that makes awareness of Helen Ukpabio especially important, and relevant, is the fact she is trying to bring her ministry here to the United States. I don’t see anyone denouncing her. She is presently causing the abuse of  thousands of children. No one is trying to get her famous.

Very few people I know have yet to realize that I am an incredibly sensitive person, and I actually do care what other people think about me. Yes, I do make mean jokes, tend harshly disenchant other’s from their silly delusions sometimes, and aggressively assert my views (the ones I see as the only rational ones) when called into question; but I never do it to be hurtful. Hurting someone else’s feelings is one of the last things I’d like to do. I am just trying to be myself; and possibly even happy.

I am really not some bad-ass nihilist, who thinks that other people are needles in their eye. I might appear to be, how ever, it isn’t true. I feel self-validation through other’s approval just like everyone else.

As for the fact that I have a “permanently unhappy” look on my face (don’t tell me I don’t because I have not posted a picture), I can’t figure out a way to fix that. It is my face. I like it. 

A rather religious person I know posted that as a Facebook status. I find it pretty ironic that even Christians seem to acknowledge that science disagrees with their entire system of beliefs. 

This statement kind of perplexes me. Why would one even consider this as a tactful argument against another person? Its just stupid and petty. Not to mention, it only holds relevancy to people who actually care about how others might feel about them.

It just reveals how insecure someone must truly. Only someone who needs others approvals for self-validation would think that using that statement would cause legitimate damage to another’s self-esteem.

When a male addresses me as “Pretty girl”, I am extremely offended. I cringe a little if a hopeful throws a “Hey, pretty girl” out there to try and converse with me. Everything about that sounds demeaning to me. I realize it was meant to be a compliment, to raise my self-esteem rather than lower it, but still. Being Pretty girl doesn’t do it for me, I’d much rather be Elana. I am fairly sure I am more than just a moderately attractive female.

Why do I feel the excessive need to have a lot of friends? I just don’t understand. I like to be alone. I like to listen to audiobooks, run an odd blog, listen to new musics, and contemplate everything. How on earth could I do what I want to do if I was always out of the house with other people? That would be a nightmare for me. Sometimes, I get too lazy to hold online conversations often, as well.

At the same time I know all of this, I still feel like I am left out. I convince myself that I would be happier if I was spending every waking moment in companionship of others. There are even times when I have to hide people from my newsfeed on facebook because I am jealous of their friendships for some reason. All those pictures of attractive people who go to my school, and sit next to me in class, laughing and having a good time; I want to be a part of that. But I know better. That isn’t me.